The Effects of Chronic Conditions

(posted on former website 1.29.2020)

I don’t know where to begin. In fact, I have tried to put this down on paper before, numerous times, but I didn’t know where to begin....or even how to begin.

A great deal has passed since my last blog or update on my webpage (Last blog 10.24.2017). It’s not that I need to give you an explanation for my absence, but I want to share because there is power and understanding in giving an account.

My isolation and quietness, due to a prolonged and severe depression, was compounded due to various losses and chronic conditions. Things added up and I was struggling with my repressed feelings. A quick summary of the situations, that were in a few years time, stumped me:

• a growth on my spine (severe pain)
• my mom died after a lengthy battle with Alzheimer’s
• diagnosed with depression and anxiety
• diagnosed with breast cancer with severe side effects from treatments
• hospitalization and E.C.T. (ElectroConvulsive Treatments)
• my dad died
• breakdown after both parents died
• continual depression and anxiety.
  

Today is Bell Let’s Talk campaign, so it seems like perfect timing to share this with you. Depression (& anxiety) have the power to consume one’s entire being; it affected my mind, body and soul. And it was compounded by my chronic back and pain condition. I went from an award winning Junior and Senior High teacher who was active in the community to a housebound individual who removed herself from all social media and human contact.

The thing with chronic conditions, my depression is included in this, on the outside things look normal and functioning. But I found myself leaving rooms that were too much for my senses to take (I.e. too many people, the lights were bright/flashing and/or the noise level was too loud). And yet years before, in my Art classroom, music would be blaring and students would be talking and I enjoyed it. Things change.

And then again, things change. After three years, I am now participating a bit more with social media, am back on my web page starting today, going out and being with others in small groups etc. Depression may be with me for some time, but I see myself looking towards activities that take me out of my cocoon. I see myself leaning towards nurturing actions, such as writing in my journal, exercising, eating to fuel my body, reading, sleeping in, stopping when I need to stop and so on. On top of this, I am grateful for being on disability as I know there would be no way I could be in the classroom at my past, and present, state. Disability has given me the opportunity to attend to my wellbeing and to find ways to heal. What a gift.

Will I return to my classroom and students that I love? At this time, I can’t say. All I know is that I try to focus on today and sometimes it is moment to moment. It seems like it is very selfish when I say, “I have to focus on myself,” but it is only when we take care of ourselves that we can turn towards others and take care of them. Believe me, I want to be in my classroom interacting with the teenagers who entered my room; I loved seeing the spark of joy and understanding in their eyes, as well as talking and caring for them as young adults. It has been a big void to be out of the classroom that I was in for 25 years.

Besides being an advocate for breast cancer patients and Sorrentino’s Compassion House, I wish to bring awareness from chronic illnesses/conditions to chronic wellness. I guess it is the teacher in me; I want to be a light to situations that need to come out of the darkness.

So, please be patient with me. Telephone messages, texts, emails, comments on social media and my blog take time with me. I’m not ignoring you or being anti-social. Some days I feel better than others and, after a day out and about, I need to rest and recoup. I appreciate your love, concern and care. Every note or text you send me is a blessing and means so very much.

I feel so lucky to have the family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances that I have in my life. Thank you for being a part of my circle.... my circle of Love... my circle of Life.