(posted on former website 3.22.2015)
This week I go for a new procedure for the growth on my spine. In order to help me deal with the uncertainty of the result, and the stress, I turned to my creative ways. In the past, they have come to my aid as I wrestle with the big and little things in life. Today, it started with a selfie as I was heading out to the Union for breakfast. At first I thought is was a picture showing the idea that I am ready for the day (filled with breakfast, laundry, marking and sub plans). Then I realized it was about being ready for life. Below I share about my procedure, and the words I wrote as I waited for my breakfast. This piece is called 'I am Ready.'
Realizations and the Procedure.
The aim of this new procedure is to help me with the effects of the growth on my spine, which has been with me for over nine years. The growth has been removed, grown back and continues to perplex the neurosurgeons and various other medical specialists; their goal now is to reduce the pain. With this said, I have come to see that the growth and it's effects are a part of my life. I no longer fight the fact that my life has been radically altered because of it (just like a person can't alter the fact that life situations have occurred and changed their lives i.e. death, divorce, abuse et al). Granted there are days when I am angry or sad from the ever present pain, mobility issues, as well as the loss of strength and stamina in my legs/body et al, but this is who I am, now.
However with this new procedure, I am nervous about it; the bundle of nerves that exit my spinal column is where they will be injecting a drug into my nerve sheath. I have been informed that there could be negative results, which are on the more serious effects of meningitis, but then again, I was told that there was a possibility I would die when I went in for surgery to remove the growth. I'm still here, and I intend to be here for many years to come. And yet, I'm still nervous.
'I am Ready.' (thoughts about life and the procedure)
Being ready is a state of mind and attitude. Life does not always go according to plan and sometimes the rug seems to have been pulled out from under us. From that, I find I encourage myself to stand up again, and carry on.
I'm not sure what will happen next. I'm not sure of the result, but I find what works best for me is to feel what I am feeling, and then, when I'm inclined, I take the first step.
When I try to see the future, or even try to take in the big picture, I can get overwhelmed. So I find I need to step back, be present and break it down into small steps and stages. In fact, sometimes the only thing I can see is what is right in front of me. And that is okay.
So when I say "I'm ready," it means that despite my fears and tears, I am willing to take the next step. All I can do is show up, and by doing that, I have done my part.
I am ready.
End Note: Please hold thoughts and prayers for a successful procedure (mind, body and spirit). I'll also accept any good karma points, as well! I know I am surrounded by an army of supporters; I feel every intention of love, and I thank you. XO
Light and Love,
Barbara
Barbara
Former Comments:
from Colleen: Praying fervently for you, Barb! Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and feelings as you process this journey!
from Custom: Your journey is such an inspiring story for us. Be strong and try to let go of those thoughts that make you feel that something might go wrong. Meet the present moment with calmness and accept the reality for what it is, even if this reality sucks. However, accepting the reality does not mean that you have to do nothing. It means responding calmly to whatever you are going through at the moment
from Time: The problem in your spine will soon heal, you just have to wait for the right time and right procedure for its fast healing. You've been consulting your spine problem to the experts and I am quite amazed with the current you've just announced earlier. I told you that if you started believing, everything is going to happen according to the desire of God. This is just a phase of your life wherein God is testing how strong of a person you are. He proved that you are that's why he is blessing you big time!
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